This was the first one, written March 10. Sunday noonish, right after church. Fairly early into the journey.

Darkness cannot drive out
darkness.
Only light can do that.
But what if
that light comes with fear?
Terror?
And even shame?
I don’t deserve the light, she says.
I don’t deserve to be happy.
But that fear,
that fear of the light.
It’s so scary…
because, if I am finally fully known,
will I ever be fully loved?
If they see all of my shattered pieces,
and the hell that has become
my life,
will they even want to know
my name?
It’s scary.
And it all just hurts like hell.
I just want to collapse,
into a million pieces,
into a million tears.
And there’s only one person
who can put me together again.
But the issue?
Despite loving Him with my mind,
and even with my strength,
I don’t know if I have ever
loved Him wholly
with my heart.
When it comes to this part of me,
I’ve been running from Him
for nearly all 25 years.
I know He already fully knows me.
But what might happen,
what COULD happen,
if I let Him fully love me?
Chaos.
Beautiful chaos.
But even that beautiful chaos
still brings me terror.
So I guess
until I’m ready, until it’s time,
I’ll let my village love me and carry me.
And maybe, one day, I’ll let him love me, too.
All of me.